I have never really explored why I have never been prone to having children up to this current stage in my life. My job often comes as a surprise to many. They seem to think that the mothering gene that seems to be impregnated in all women has been wiped out of me. From simple conversations with friends to medical practitioners, I am constantly reminded, gently, but sometimes clearly, of their natural expectation that we will eventually have a child.
I remember once being denied access to an IUD contraceptive form based solely on the fact that I had no children. The doctor was amazed that this was my first choice and sent me home with NuvaRing who up until this day still sits in my yard collecting dust. I was even surprised to ask why and I didn’t have the words at the time to convey why this was the best approach for me but I also realized how relatively unknown it was to women and married women in particular.
Sometimes skepticism about my impairment leads people to conclude that it may be due to my or my husband’s inability and that my position is deeply rooted in bitterness and illuminated with a cold woman, hands-free appearance.
Based on my life experiences, I always felt parenting was onerous. But they may have been confused about how they should go about doing it, or were pressured by other social factors to develop the bonds. Either way, as they cope financially, childhood experiences taught me that while children bring special joy, there must be a complete awareness of themselves before there is any deliberate motivation to become a parent. Their attitudes influenced me to question healthy feelings of security, question my personal desire and be okay with myself for saying “not yet”.
Another deep reason for not being certain is the fact that I felt like I was playing catch-up with my happiness for years that I missed out on. For the past five years, I could say that I have been truly happy and content. So much so that this level of comfort often makes me afraid of losing it and even thinking that the change may not be what I hoped it would be. Even though I know this is my anxiety talking and my OCD shouting for it, I can’t argue that life really feels comfortable and joyful in this way too.
Airing such views makes me seem like a villain, but the freedom of choice and the desire to discuss someone’s needs have always been met with considerable skepticism and lack of support, rather than those that We decide overnight with little or no planning, and it shouldn’t. In fact, conversations about the reality of all our choices should be encouraged, so we could make healthier and smarter decisions for our diverse life experiences, aspirations and realities.