A young child is groomed and sexually abused by a male adult. They are now another statistic in an increasing number of young boys and girls at the mercy of society’s inability to hold predators to account.
There is an ongoing failure to protect children from abuse and reliance on shame, disbelief and blame. Over the years, I have come to realize that he is not necessarily able to identify predatory abusers and their actions. In fact, they are always aware of them. They are the villains that are used to scare young girls straight, they are the shadows we see at night and the strange beasts that bounce without warning. So when people are forced to reconcile the reality of known friends, family and associates as one of those threatening figures in the darkness of our minds, they reject it. To them these people are human beings, just like them, people they know, like and even love. In their minds, these persons can never be the things they have been taught to fear for a long time because they do not fit the image or narrative they have espoused in their minds.
However, this reluctance is what is relied on by those who sexually exploit, exploit and abuse. While the language we use to describe them as predators and abusers helps push the notion that they are inhuman, the language is effective in portraying the way they think, act and justify their actions that. Vicious abusers often go after vulnerable people, most of whom are women and children. They do not abuse everyone they come across, but choose their victims on the basis of a certain set of criteria. Their targets are usually young girls and boys who come from dysfunctional homes who may lack security, economic security and love. They know these vulnerable children and use grooming strategies of gift giving, inappropriate touching, coercion and force to break down child defenses and often even defenders of their guardians. Those who groom and abuse young girls and boys are rarely ever strangers – often they are the closest to us as known family members or friends.
The way we are taught about sexual abuse is often so broken and dry that many refuse to connect the dots of how predators use manipulation, coercion and drugs such as alcohol to exploit children. With a Caribbean culture that focuses heavily on republican values of religion, suppression of expression and sexual identity, the majority of children grow up with no understanding of sex and the warning signs of grooming and sexual abuse. They grow up into adults who still have a limited understanding of it all. What this does of course is to extend the cycle of trauma in our communities because children do not get the resources or protection they need and predatory abusers are not held accountable.
Instead of admitting that predators are flesh-and-blood people just like us, many choose to go down the path of blaming the victim, as it is much easier for them to reconcile with the belief that the child was the one who invited the abuse upon himself. . They do this to avoid getting to grips with the reality of the uncle sneaking into the girl’s room at night, the muffled cries of a grandmother who learned they can’t say no and the fear of they carry it in their heart for the safety of their own children. It hits a little too close to home sometimes and people try to distance through excuses. ‘Maybe they were lying, maybe the kid was fast, maybe he wanted it, what were they doing there anywhere, they’re playing a big woman, they get what they are looking for it. ‘
Another narrative that blames a victim relying on is the trauma that the abusers themselves may have gone through. Their abuse of others is often framed against the background of their own abuse. It’s a way they are once again trying to divert blame and not hold predatory adults to account for their actions. It is true that many of us survive trauma and unhealed trauma can lead to trauma recurrence. However, this does not justify abusive actions against others. We all have a responsibility to actively seek healing and learning to ensure that we do not harm others. However, many are quite content to adhere to well-used victim blaming narratives such as those mentioned above. They know how effective these are in casting doubt and allowing them free reign to continue their impatient abuse.
Society is always quick to defend the actions of abusers while those they hurt must fit the narrow ideals of the “perfect victim” in order to elicit sympathy or paths to justice. Perfect victims are often seen as virtuous people who did not invite the abuse on themselves. But there is no perfect victim and the idea that there is significant harm to children and women facing grooming and sexual abuse. Abuse occurs across all life cycles for all types of people. Regardless of their conventional social status, education, and desirability, victims of abuse should be believed. Those who try to come up with “false reports” every time victims tell their stories use smoke screens only to cast doubt on victims’ accounts of abuse. Reality does not support the presumed frequency of false reports on which they continuously harp. Considering that children and women often lose far more than they earn when they report abuse, people should stop relying on this spent diversionary tactic and face the fact that their friends , their family and other loved ones in one of the faces in the dark they were taught to fear.